when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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