This dress was meant to end up on your floor
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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