The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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