shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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