Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize