So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
