also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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