dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
