At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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