i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
