i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
