Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
