just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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