Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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