Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
