i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
