I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
