I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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