Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
