someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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