Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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