my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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