I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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