I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He kissed a someone with a penis
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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