we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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