When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize