Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
