I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
