I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
