I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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