I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
