i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
