My sheets look like a crime scene.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
50% drunk capacity currently
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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