It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
