i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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