Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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