im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So. Much. Porn.
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