You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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