Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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