i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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