i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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