I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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