So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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