I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
did i just pee glitter
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
