Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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