So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
