can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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