Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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