I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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