i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
