My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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