I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
