I cockslap morals
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
